i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize