I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
