You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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