Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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