in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
where does the pee come out of this thing
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
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