What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
