i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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