Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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