Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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