if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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