And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize