I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
he's gonorrhea incarnate
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize