So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Randomize
