Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
