Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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