"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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