You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
