he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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