I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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