dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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