Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
