ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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