someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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