did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
