I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Barsexuality is the new black.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
