I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
