bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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