I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize