I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize