you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
