I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
