He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
