i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
