Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
