tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
