I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
