theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
