guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
