i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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