Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize