Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
