You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
