My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
