just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
