he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
