also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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