If that was your dad, he is hot
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
