I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
