Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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