My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize