I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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