I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
