after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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