How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
