this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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