Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
