My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
