I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Randomize
