if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Floor bacon is actually really good
Randomize
