insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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