my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
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