The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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