Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
