my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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