just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize