i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
He better not be in your backpack
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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