I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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