In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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